


Words Unspoken

by undermounts



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, Cassandra - Freeform, F/M, JULIAN - Freeform, Julian's Route, ilya - Freeform, julian x mc, julian/mc - Freeform, pre-game, the arcana - Freeform, yeah definitely some angst there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:21:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23521477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undermounts/pseuds/undermounts
Summary: Who knew three little words could be so hard to say?
Relationships: Apprentice & Julian Devorak, Apprentice/Julian Devorak, Julian Devorak/Original Character(s), Julian Devorak/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 17





	Words Unspoken

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little thing I wrote a while ago but I never got around to posting about Julian and his confessions.  
> Takes place pre-game with my apprentice, Cassandra.

Julian stood outside his apprentice’s door, sweaty palms smoothing over his thighs as he restlessly worried away at his bottom lip. He felt like a compressed spring, coiled tight and humming with the potential to snap. How hard could it be? To just raise his hand and knock on her door? Just simple, _rap-tat_. He’d come to Cassandra’s office hundreds of times, and here he was, getting bent out of shape just to knock on her door.

Of course, there was the matter of what came _after_ he knocked. …What was he going to do once she actually opened it? What would he say?

“Stop it,” Julian chided himself. “You’re being ridiculous. Just─argh.” He swore under his breath, yanking at the end of his hair as he pressed his back against the wall.

Hells, why was he so nervous? It was _Cassandra_. He told her everything: his dreams, memories, fantasies, stories…The whole lot of it was shared in the small alcove of his office, their bodies tangled on his cramped cot, shadows flickering together in the dying candlelight.

But this? Could he really tell her?

Julian loved Pasha and he loved the grandmothers back in Nevivon. That kind of love was easy and familiar. It made sense to him. When he said “I love you” it was never complicated. He never had to worry about that that meant or what it would change or that it could break more than create. But with Cassandra, it was different.

Julian hadn’t yet come to understand what it meant to love someone you didn’t have to, or to be loved by someone who didn’t have to love you back. He didn’t know what it meant to be in love, and if he was honest with himself, he wasn’t quite certain he deserved to know. Nevertheless, those cursed three words had been on the tip of his tongue for weeks, threatening to leap out every time she walked into the room, or when she gave him that daring grin over a pint of Salty Bitters. It burned on his lips when she called him “Jules” and again when she kissed the corner of his mouth last night before they fell asleep.

If he told her, she wouldn’t slug him on the arm like Pasha or ruffle his hair and kiss his forehead like Lilinka. She would look at him, with those big golden eyes, and she’d either say it back or she wouldn’t. And if she didn’t… well, Julian didn’t want to think that far ahead.

But Julian was going away again. They’d said their goodbyes last night, but waking up alone only left him bereft and wanting more. He wanted her to know. Wanted her to know that he cared, more than he knew he should about an apprentice. He wanted her to know what their time together meant to him. He wanted her to know how incredible it was to have a light as bright as she in a world that was growing so dark.

Julian knew it wasn’t the best time to tell her, right before he was going to leave for who knows how long, but he wasn’t hoping for an answer right away. Whether she felt the same or not, they could deal with it when he came home. They would have time to sort it out then. For now, however, he just couldn’t let her go another few days or even weeks alone without knowing the truth.

That was how he felt, at least. Whether or not he would actually be able to tell her, well that was still up in the air. And as it was, Julian had to make a decision. Fast.

Before he had a moment to react, the door to Cassandra’s office swung open, emitting the apprentice herself.

“Oh!” she startled, raising her brows at his unexpected appearance, a stack of papers cradled in her arms. “Jules. I thought you’d already left.”

He flushed under her gaze as Cassandra sized him up. For a moment, he thought he saw something like relief flicker in her gaze before he blushed harder and glanced away. “I─ah, no. I was actually on my way out now, but I wanted to say─”

“On your way out? Looking like that?” Cassandra teased, her smile warm and inviting. She brushed a strand of hair out of her face and tucked her records beneath her arm. “Come here.”

Julian swallowed the lump in his throat, legs automatically carrying him towards her. It was gravity, he told himself. Cassandra was the sun and he was hopelessly caught in her orbit, forever gravitating towards the center of his universe. It took everything in him not to sink into her touch as she ran her nimble fingers through his hair, erasing the abuse he had done on those curls with his own anxious hands. He tried to stay still as Cassandra placed one hand on his chest while the other adjusted his collar, but he was certain his pounding heart gave him away.

“There,” Cassandra murmured, smoothing down the fabric of his coat. Absently, she brushed her thumb along his jaw and Julian couldn’t help but chase her touch with a tilt of his head. “Aren’t you the most dashing doctor in all of Vesuvia?”

Both of her hands came to rest atop his chest and instantly, Julian felt his nerves calm. Was that her magic or just her? His lips split into an easy grin, his brow impossibly arched. “Just Vesuvia?”

Cassandra rolled her eyes, but her laugh rang throughout the hall. Julian felt his blood warm pleasantly. That laugh…she told him once that she hated it. “Too loud and barking mad,” she had said. He decided then that there were few things he wouldn’t do to hear it again.

“I’m not well-traveled enough to make that decision yet, Doctor.” Her brow rose and her lips curved into a smile that flashed like the edge of a knife, debonair expression not unlike his own. Saints, they really were rubbing off on each other. “Buy that boat and then we’ll see.”

“I’ll pocket every spare coin,” he promised, unconsciously taking her hands into his own.

“You won’t need spare change once you find the cure, Jules.” She tapped his temple. “Palace is paying a pretty penny for that beautiful mind of yours.”

Julian flushed again and for a moment, he wanted to indulge in her honeyed words, but the mention of the palace sobered him. “Cassandra, before I go, I wanted you to know…”

He trailed off, any courage he had gathered in the last few minutes quickly dissipating, like fog in the early morning sun. Cassandra’s brows drew together and she leaned forward with rapt attention. “Yes, Jules?”

Julian stood there for a moment, feeling as if the air had been sucked straight from his lungs. Her golden eyes were trained on him expectantly and Julian found himself at the precipice of entranced and catatonic. There were flecks of mossy green rimming her iris. How had he never noticed before? Perhaps the candlelight and shadows had always hidden them, but still. He spent more time than he was willing to admit looking at those beloved eyes. How had he not noticed?

“Julian?”

He snapped out of his trance, blinking a few times as if that would help him gather his thoughts. “Ah, right. Yes, I─hrm. I just wanted you to know…” Julian swallowed, fingers itching to either take her jaw and kiss her or hide his face while he turned tail and ran away in shame. “I wanted you to know how much I appreciate you taking over the clinic while I’m away for research.”

Hells.

“Oh.” Cassandra drew back a fraction of an inch, and for second Julian could have sworn he saw something like disappointment color her eyes but when he blinked, it was gone, replaced by another one of her steady, easy smiles. “Of course, Jules. Someone has to hold down the fort while you save the city.”

Julian felt his body warm, this time not from embarrassment but something much deeper and more pleasant that he had yet to put a name to. When he spoke, his voice was barely a whisper, vulnerable and earnest. “Thank you, Cassandra.”

Her brow furrowed. “Julian, I already said─”

“Not just for running the clinic. For…everything.”

“Oh.” Julian watched the realization melt her features, her eyes rounding out, lips parting in surprise at his admission. _Everything_. In a fraction of a second, resolve settled across her countenance and she surged forward, hands framing Julian’s jaw as she brought his lips down to meet hers.

Julian felt his heart leap into his throat and he stumbled back, taken by surprise by her kiss. Her lips were soft yet demanding, and Julian couldn’t help but think that this was how everything with Cassandra was. She was constantly walking the line of unfathomably sweet and wickedly bold, and Julian happily praised either face of the coin.The moment his back struck the wall and one of her hands slid to his shoulder, he went pliant under her touch, his own hands settling contently in the dip of her spine.

When Cassandra drew back, Julian was breathless and felt as if he were dancing along the precipice of deliciously sated and hungry for more. How could he leave her like this?

Her expression sobered him. Cassandra gazed at him with a mix of wonder and affection, an indiscernible blend of emotions coloring her eyes. All at once Julian wanted to delve deeper and look away, but he held firm.

“Ilya, hear me when I tell you this,” Cassandra paused, taking one of his hands between her own to press her lips briefly to the ridge of his knuckles. “ _Never_ thank me for giving you what you deserve.”

“Cassandra…” Julian’s heart pounded as he stared back at her. Wide golden eyes and lips poised above his hand, so close he could still feel her warm breath ghost all the way to his wrist. This was it. He could tell her now…

“Don’t. We could go on like this forever, Jules, but you have lives to save.” She shook her head, pulling away. Cassandra kissed the corner of his mouth and turned him down the hall towards the front door to the clinic.“ Now go. Before I come to my senses and keep you any longer.”

The moment had broken. Julian’s courage splintered and disintegrated in the wind as he let her hands steer him out of the building. When he reached the doorstep, he turned on his heel, taking in the sight of his apprentice in the doorframe, dusk blue curls tumbling over her shoulders.

He wanted to say something sweet, but what came out was, “Try not to miss me too much. Or cure the plague without me.”

“That’s your job,” Cassandra scoffed, hands settling on her hips. “I have a feeling that next time I see you, Doctor, all of this,” she stirred the air with her finger, “will be over.”

Julian swallowed a lump in his throat. Her unyielding faith in him never ceased to surprise. And he hated to disappoint her. “It will. I promise.”

He knew it was foolish to make such vows, but if he couldn’t give her those three words on the tip of his tongue, he could at least give her this. Looking back, Julian would later realize that this was one of the promises he so desperately wished he could take back.

“I’ll see you soon, Jules.”

And then he’d left. And when he came back, she was already too far gone.

Julian missed his chance to say it then. He had been too late. But he wouldn’t let himself make the same mistake again


End file.
